Born on October 31, 1983, Lucia Briones entered the world on what experts have described as “shaky ground”. Lucy, armed with a predilection for travel from the very start, set out for a world not quite ready for all the noise she was about to bring. Little known fact: Lucy’s parents are Jewish. Her true last name is Brioneskowskistein. The name was shortened in 1985 to escape anti-mexisemitic persecution. As a proud Mexi-Jew, Lucy still enjoys the occasional bagel, served enchilada-style. Be aware that she has a strong aversion to the word “panties”. It is unknown what effect, if any, this has on her use of the clothing item. She is considering replacing it with the word “plint”. Lucy is a tall hobbit. A tall, hot hobbit…a “hottit”, if you will. L > A + B + C. If “A” = the soothing patter of rain falling in the forest, “B” = the melodic harmony of Pachelbel’s Canon in D, and “C” = the gentle whisper of ocean surf on the beach, then what does “L” equal? Answer: “L” = the magnetic music of Lucy’s laughter. Lucy is fluent in four languages: English, Spanish, Spanglish, and the rare Hotchickish. However, she enjoys pretending that she can, in fact, speak every language on earth, including fictional languages such as Elvish and Klingon. When accused of being full of it, Lucy responded: “Nu luini yassen tintilar i eleni ómaryo airetári-lírinen” (translation unavailable). Scientists have been studying the hypnotic light brown hues of Lucy’s eyes for years. They have concluded the following: the color is found nowhere else on earth, but it IS found in the dazzling ring layers that surround the planet Saturn. It should be noted, however, that some suspect these scientists are only making excuses to stare into her eyes for hours on end. Crayola has introduced crayons attempting to copy the color and is holding a public vote to name it. The choices include: Iridescent Terra Cotta, Sexual Chocolate, Sepia-Lucia, and Bronzed Beauty. This is the abridged story of a woman. A little listless lovely-looking lady liked by loads and lusted after long before a likable Louisville lout luckily located her in Lexington, lapsing into laborious long-distance love. That woman is Lucy.