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Ugliest Dump in The World

Entire apartment hosted by Merkley
4 guestsStudio2 beds1 bath
Entire home
You’ll have the apartment to yourself.
Enhanced Clean
This host committed to Airbnb's 5-step enhanced cleaning process. Learn more
Cancellation policy
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House rules
The host doesn’t allow parties or smoking. Get details
You'll hate it here. San Francisco is terrible. Nobody likes this city. The food is blech, the weather is awful, there are packs of wild dogs and flocks of screeching parrots coming at you from all directions.

Every street is an uphill climb both ways.

I'm being totally serious, the hills actually switch depending on which direction you go and every 45 minutes there's an earthquake that opens up the earth beneath your feet swallowing up all your friends.

Ok I made that last part up.

The space
This house is OLD. It was built in 1885 by some weirdo named William Crocker who thought victorians were pretty neat. Boy was he some sort of narcissist, he ran for mayor in 1909 and came in 3rd.

What a loser.

Nobody ever bothered ripping out all the fancy details that come with victorians so you'll be surrounded by all that bullshit, plus the guy that has owned the place for the last 20 years is some bearded guy named Merkley. He is writing about himself in the third person. He thinks people like interesting things and details so he made the apartment reflect that sort of nonsense.

Have fun rolling your eyes.

He might invite you to drink downstairs. He's "friendly" and "entertaining". Gross. He sometimes entertains pseudo "celebrities" and "artists". Luckily you don't have to have drinks with him. It's still a free country, thank goodness.

He is an idiot.

Fun times.

Guest access
It has all the stuff that studio apartments have except it has all this annoying extra space that most studio apartments don't have, it's big enough to be a one bedroom but Merkley is dumb and didn't set it up like that.

Beyond that you can access your imagination to imagine things that aren't even there so that's sorta cool.

Other things to note
If you need the quietest apartment in the entire world, good news, those exist somewhere else. Good luck!

This apartment has city noises, you know, on account of being in a big city on a street where cars go. A pretty busy street even, busier than many, not as busy as some.

Ever seen cars?

Some of them are cool. When this house was built there weren't any cars, just horses, If you look out the front window you'll see modern cars driving by and you can imagine them sliding around in mud and horse poop, crashing into old timey buggies and children.

History.

No extra charge.

License number
City registration pending
You'll hate it here. San Francisco is terrible. Nobody likes this city. The food is blech, the weather is awful, there are packs of wild dogs and flocks of screeching parrots coming at you from all directions.

Every street is an uphill climb both ways.

I'm being totally serious, the hills actually switch depending on which direction you go and every 45 minutes there's an earthquake that opens u…
read more

Sleeping arrangements

Common spaces
1 double bed, 1 sofa bed

Amenities

Kitchen
Wifi
Indoor fireplace
Dedicated workspace
TV
Iron
Hangers
Hair dryer
Essentials
Unavailable: Carbon monoxide alarm

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4.86 out of 5 stars from 178 reviews

Cleanliness
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Guests Mention

Location

San Francisco, California, United States

Ok how lame is this, if you hover directly above San Francisco on a map and you click the little + button to zoom in, you basically land on this house.

Dead effing center of SF.

So obnoxious that it's so convenient.

You know what I'm talking about.

Hosted by Merkley

Joined in March 2014
  • 178 Reviews
  • Identity verified
I'm pretty fantastic. In a good way.
During your stay
Like I said earlier, if you wanna talk to Merkley and have a drink with him, he's a half decent talker. If you don't want him to talk and you just want to talk AT him, he's not a very good listener but he is a pretty good goer awayer.

Plus, you have your own space, he'll be downstairs, you don't even have to see him if you don't want.

If you know morse code you could tap out insults on the floor above his head. He doesn't know morse code. He is D dash U dash M dot.
Like I said earlier, if you wanna talk to Merkley and have a drink with him, he's a half decent talker. If you don't want him to talk and you just want to talk AT him, he's not a v…
  • Policy number: City registration pending
  • Response rate: 100%
  • Response time: within a day
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Things to know

House rules
Check-in: After 3:00 PM
Checkout: 12:00 PM
No smoking
No parties or events
Pets are allowed
Health & safety
Committed to Airbnb's enhanced cleaning process. Learn more
Airbnb's social-distancing and other COVID-19-related guidelines apply
Carbon monoxide alarm not reported Learn more
Smoke alarm
Cancellation policy